In order to maximize the outcome of your case, whether that be custody of the children, possession of the house, getting a better deal on maintenance / child support, or just plain getting revenge, this tutorial will help you achieve the best results.
WARNING: SATIRE ALERT. DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THESE THINGS. SEE DISCLAIMER BELOW.
The first thing you have to remember is that all women are assumed to be victims of domestic violence. Years of lobbying by the “domestic violence industry” for harsh laws and state and federal funding have paid off.
Most states have draconian domestic violence laws that are there to protect women from abusive men. Mandatory arrest, primary aggressor laws, no-drop policies, monolithic protection/no-contact orders, and harsh penalties for DV crimes are there to punish men, whether guilty of DV or not.
Once the system gets him in its tentacles, he will be so messed up you will have a veritable cake-walk to your ultimate goal: total victory.
Here are some time-honored techniques on how to work the system.
Get a Plan Ready at the First Sign of Impending Divorce
As soon as you sense trouble in the marriage, you must take action. This is especially true if you have been at fault (having an affair, mismanaging money, drug/alcohol abuse, etc). Even if there is the slightest possibility of your husband resisting your demands for everything, you need to play the DV card.
Call the domestic violence hotline for advice. They will give you step-by-step instructions on how to get help with leaving, getting a protection order, filing for divorce.
They have free counselors, will give you referrals to free or low-cost legal help, and will put you up in a nice hotel for at least a few days, if not more. (Don’t worry if YOU are the domestic violence abuser. This is about helping women, period. Even if you are a CONVICTED DV ABUSER, the DV advocates will help you, not him).
Throw the Bum Out
First step is to contrive a DV incident where your husband gets arrested. Provoke a fight, and hope he responds physically. You can even try asking him, directly or indirectly. “I bet you’d really like to slap me right now.” Some men will oblige, although stupidly for sure.
Anyway, you don’t need to have been hit, pushed, slapped or punched to get him arrested. Call him into the bedroom to talk, and when he comes in the doorway, scream “stop harassing me and let me leave.” When he says, “huh?” dart past him out the door, then call 911.
Be sure to tell the dispatcher every detail of what happened, his past abuse, threats, and how afraid you are of him. They’ll send two or three squad cars out to your house pronto.
If you attack him first, lose your balance, fall back and bump your head, even better. Now you have “evidence” of his assault.
When the officers arrive, tremble and cry, and say he lunged at you while threatening to kill you. No proof of this is available, of course, but that doesn’t matter, only your word is needed.
After they remove him in handcuffs, start packing up his things and leave them on the front porch. The court will let him come by with a police officer to get his personal property, and it will go much faster if you’ve already put his stuff in big garbage bags.
Next day, go to your local district court and file for a domestic violence protection order. Be sure to ask for the works: no contact with you, the children, no coming back to the house, no going to the children’s school, daycare, sports events, etc. If you’re not sure what to say, just ask for a DV advocate and they’ll help you with the script.
Acting Tips for DV Victims
When you get to the court hearing on the full order for protection, be sure to follow these tips to maximize your effectiveness as a victim.
When you see him come into the courtroom, dramatically flinch and shrink back.
Cry, tremble and shake while you’re giving your testimony (this is especially effective when you have papers in your hands that rattle loudly).
Be sure to ask that an armed deputy come inside the courtroom during your hearing. Have him stand between you and the beast, along with a DV advocate or two.
Maximizing Aggravation of Your Protection Order
When you apply for a DVPO, be sure to ask for outrageous restraints against him, such as prohibiting him from being “5000 yards” from your residence, workplace and the children’s school. Go online and use a mapping program to draw a large circle around anywhere you’ll be, and make sure he has to drive miles out of his way to avoid being in violation of the order.
If he has established a separate residence not far from the children’s school, so he can easily go to and from, you can even make sure he can’t be at his own home without risking arrest.
Increasing the Chances of Getting Him Arrested for Violation of the Order
First, make sure the order is written badly, and has confusing and contradictory provisions that even a family lawyer can’t decipher.
Next, call him incessantly, and when he answers and says even a word or two to you, report him for violating the order.
Contrive an emergency so he will have to come back to the house. Tell him that your car won’t start, and ask him sweetly if he could please come over and help? Promise not to turn him in for violating the order. (Remember, YOU are not prohibited from contacting him, so if he gets arrested and complains that you invited him over, he is still screwed and there are no adverse consequences to you).
Playing with Fire and Not Getting Burned
The occasional falsely accused man will become violent solely due to the injustice perpetrated against him. Use your judgment about how far you want to push him. (Check with the NRA on firearms self-defense training).
Having your husband arrested, charged, convicted and jailed can affect your standard of living. If he is the sole financial support of the family, be sure to have an alternate means of supporting yourself and the children during his incarceration. He will certainly have lost his job by the time he gets out.
The stigma of being a convicted DV abuser will prevent him from obtaining a comparable position. Child support and maintenance arrearages will quickly rack up while he’s in custody, but don’t count on collecting them anytime soon.
DISCLAIMER: It has come to my attention that some people believe that this article (and some others on this site) is serious and that I am actually advising people to engage in these tactics. I am absolutely, positively, NOT trying to help people get away with phony claims. If there is any doubt about this please read the rest of this site. This article is what is called “satire” and it uses humor and absurdity to make a point. The point here is to warn people about the dirty tricks some people use against the other party in a case and to watch out if the other party tries them on you. The point of this article is not to teach people how to use dirty tricks (although the word “tutorial” does mean teach, that too is satire). I am illustrating how easy it is to create a case out of thin air and how eager the system is to believe it. To repeat: Don’t do these things. And don’t let anyone do these things to you. Thank you.