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Real Custody
Tactics: Tutorial for
Mothers on Winning Your Child Custody Case
If you are facing an upcoming divorce and
custody battle, this tutorial is for you. Gals,
in this day and age, it's not enough to just
say, "I'm the mother, therefore I get custody of
the children." Fathers have come a long way
since Ward Cleaver's time, when dad disappeared
for hours on end then came home and spent the
evening reading the paper and complaining about
the wife's meatloaf. Some modern fathers have
the annoying habit of actually being involved in
their children's lives. While this frees you up
to spend more time shopping at the mall and
gabbing with your friends on the cell phone, it
also creates a threatening track record of
paternal caregiving. And we can't have that.
Fear not, there's a lot you can do. Short
of contriving a case of domestic violence
against him (see Domestic Violence Tutorial),
you can still jam a wrench into his parental
machinery. Here are some surefire tactics that
are bound to put you in the driver's seat in
your custody war:Intercept all communications
from school personnel and health care
providers. Hide school announcements such as
parent-teacher conferences, school
open-houses, and sports events (especially
tournaments where there are lots of witnesses to
his absence). Write fake dates on the calendar
in pencil (a few days after the actual event),
then when he misses it, re-write it on the real
date and erase the fake one. After a few times
he'll be so befuddled he won't even try to get
to another event.
If your husband does somehow find out about the
event and comes home early to get ready, flee
immediately, slamming the door on his foot, thus
rendering him incapable of attending the event.
Schedule medical and dental appointments for
the children during days and times he can't
possibly get away from work. Be sure to have the
doctor write in the chart that only you were
there, and bemoan the fact that the children's
father is so uninvolved.
Change the school information card to ensure
that only you are listed on the emergency
contact section. Instead of their father, list
your boyfriend, your hairdresser, or your second
cousin twice-removed.
Intercept mail from your husband's company,
bills in his name, and any legal notices. Shred
them immediately. By the time he finds out what
he missed, he will be spending so much time
trying to fix the problems that he won't have
any time to spend on parenting.
Visit internet porn sites on his computer, then
send the links to his boss. Buy hardcore porn
and plant it on his desk (this is especially
effective just before a visit from the parenting
evaluator).
These tactics generally work only when you
are still living with your spouse. Once you
have separated, you have to get even more
clever. Here are some additional techniques you
can use to increase your chances of total
victory:
Quit your job, citing vague health problems (but
not too severe to interfere with your
parenting), then file for spousal support from
your husband. This ensures you can stay home
all day and be there when the children come home
from school. Once he's slapped with maintenance
payments plus child support, he'll have to get
two jobs just to stay afloat. This will
virtually guarantee he won't have any time to
spend with the children. Even if you and he
shared parenting before the separation, your
status as "primary parent" will be
unassailable.
Before you separate, be sure to capture your
husband's e-mail passwords and remote telephone
codes (too many dufuses leave these things on
sticky-notes pasted to the computer). This will
ensure that you can check up on all his
activities even after you're living apart. Once
you can access his e-mail or messages, you can
erase important ones, or gather crucial
intelligence on what he's doing to further his
case.
Continue waging war without looking like it.
Engage in psy-ops procedures whenever
possible. Just when he thinks things have
settled down, sabotage cooperation at every
opportunity. If he wants to have the children
Christmas Eve, demand that you get them, because
your family has traditionally had Christmas Eve
for years (even if you never have; remember,
this is war, and you can't let a pesky little
thing like the truth get in the way of
winning). If he proposes splitting the winter
vacation in half, declare that's the stupidest
thing you've ever heard of, and tell him you'll
alternate by year. Argue with him over every
conceivable issue relating to the children.
Eventually you'll beat him down psychologically
to the point that he will give in to your every
demand.
And don't forget that a little parental
alienation can go a long way. Whenever the
children mention their dad, feign distress and
scold them for bringing up someone who is so
detestable to you. When they return from seeing
him on a weekend and want to tell you about how
much fun they had, cut them off immediately and
remind them about how hard it is for you to be a
"single parent." And be sure to meet them at
the door, hug them dramatically, and cry "Thank
God you're safe!" Eventually, they'll stop
saying anything positive about their dad in
front of you. Because you've thoroughly
ingrained it into them, this will also be their
attitude when they talk to the parenting
evaluator or guardian ad litem.
Now, after you get custody of the children, you
actually want to maximize the children's time
with their father (up to a point, you can't let
them live with him or anything). Once you have
the child support nailed, the more time they
spend with him, the more he has to pay for them
out of his own pocket, on food, entertainment,
school supplies, clothes, shoes, coats, etc.
This ensures that you get to spend the child
support money on what's important to you: you.
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Copyright © 2006-2008 Lisa Scott. All Rights Reserved.
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